Dear God, show us the road
that you have chosen for us,
and give us the courage
to walk down it... Amen

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Can I say that...

Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered; - Hebrews 5:8

Can I say that? Throw my hands in the air, scream, "God, are you there?"

There are days when it comes to me, the words, feelings, I need to share with you. There are also times, when I need to be silent, let life be still. Forgive my absence.

I wasn't expecting the news. Inbox from Candy, "Dillon has died". Alive in Christ! I smile, at first, thinking of that little guy, running and laughing, holding hands with the Father. Then, smile fades, my heart begins to ache for the family of this small child, taken too soon. I called Julia to offer my smudged words, that doubtfully help. Then, I call Jill.

Jill, I've know for many years. She gave advice on "cabin" things...we chatted a bit here and there, then one day. One day, she needed me. That sparked a friendship filled laughter, tears, prayers, Joy, most of all blessings. He sets our paths to cross with someone, for whatever reason. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

We were discussing changes, just playing catch up, her last trip, Mark's new job. Ah, yes, this new job. This is where my screaming comes into light. Jill's always been such a...motivator, she helps me in so many ways. I remember back in November, standing in the hall of Linda Moore's beautiful log home, she beems with Joy as she tells me some very important bit of "thoughts" she's having. Todd too, they just bloom beautifully together.
(Jill, if you are reading this, you know I'm not putting you on a stand, all of this is God through you...I love you, for who you are, for the encouragement you give, not only to me, but just in the way you smile with your eyes at even a stranger.)

I, for selfish reasons, [ones that were deeper even than I realized] did not want him to take this job. The danger, the extra worry it would bring "me", (selfishly). I did, however, ask God to provide the way for Mark, no matter this wasn't what "I" wanted for him...afterall, his ways are not my ways. I hid away, from even myself, another reason I didn't want this job. Took some time for me to realize it, and ask forgiveness, and accept whatever God's plan for us, he would protect us, and keep us. So, the pay is really not good, but what is more money really worth? Really, if one is not happy, becomes miserable in a position with better pay, is that a good thing? I know that we were nearing the end of six months with no job, but still, I was calm about it. We really are doing OK! Of course it's only human to have a small part inside that worries, wonders.

Mark was to draw his last unemployment check, then the call comes. He has been offered this job, this job that I didn't want any part of, because I didn't want "my" husband to be a "CO". NO, not me. Not only is it dangerous, it's just because this is not what I wanted.

Back to Jill...she reminds me that she knew God had an amazing plan for Mark, but she had no idea it would be this. How, "He" has chosen the best candidate to share "His" word, witness, to these, who some may say are unworthy of Grace. Are not each of us "unworthy" see, Mark, is so real. He's the complete package, what you see is what you get, no cover up, fancy presentation, just warm smile, squinting eyes, soft spoken, doesn't get excited about anything. He's the one...yes, witness in plain clothing. I didn't want to know this, believe this, but if it be "His" Will for Mark, I will accept. Wait anxiously for him to walk in the door with stories, that will always make me cry...tears of sadness for the victims, tears of Joy for this man, this man that I so love. I'm proud to be his wife. Thankful God sent our paths to cross so many years ago.

I thank Jill for making me realize that I'm human, yes, I'm human, I can be angry, and then remember that God always understands it, me. She makes me see my worth. I'm also thankful God sent our paths to cross. My life is richer with her as my friend. She's the real deal. I've stood back and watched the way she is with people...That's God you know.
Today, will others see "HIM" in you...
(Please pray for the imprisoned)

I thank you God, for sending friends to help me see the truth. For protecting me, and keeping me humble.
(photo of Mark last August)


Angie said...

Sherry the walk with the Lord is a challenge at times. I can only imagine your circumstances. I can though appreciate what it means to have people in my path that God has planted so wonderfully. Like a beautiful single rose, or that first tulip coming out in the Spring. The feeling you get when it is there is real, warming and joyful. Friends are great and I am so glad you have those precious people in your life that help you keep it real. I am blessed to have such a friend too! We all stomp our feet in protest sometimes until are feet are sore, then the moment comes in the silence and we let go... we trust God.........and peace prevails.
with love and support, angie

Thistlebrooms said...

I'm Happy you have Jill in your life...Everyone is allowed to 'Scream' one time or another, you know things happen for a reason...The Plan...The Bigger Plan...
You are needed by Mark, and together you will be complete...
Much Love...M

Anonymous said...

When I was a young woman I had a boyfriend for 8 yrs. I loved him a lot. He was going to be a ship's Captain one day. At 17 he was taking his first exams. Because I had spent most of my life alone, I would not accept his career. I decided not to marry him even though I loved him. Years later I met my husband and when he asked to marry me I said I would under 2 conditions. The 1st, he had to believe and pray...he said he did everyday. The 2nd was that he never ever have a job that would take him away from home or sleeping at home. He said he never had nor ever would. 8 yrs later my husband who had tried to find a job everywhere else, decided to be a long haul trucker. I screamed and cried, I threatened. I called a lawyer to get a separation. I told him he broke our marriage vow and that I could not forgive that broken promise. Prayer. I prayed for guidance. He left. I didn't break my marriage promise, still haven't. For better or worse. He has been home only 7 months of the whole 7+ yrs I've lived here in MO.
Everyday I submit to God my husband's decision and what it caused in my life. Everyday my husband for these last few yrs asks for God to help him find other work. The medical debts are long paid off. I never ever wanted to live alone or without my son or husband. But it's what God brought me, so I do it. I still talk to my old boyfriend's mother a few times a year. He has been all these years a Captain on huge ships that sail the seas of the world. I'll always care for him. But I loved my husband more than that young man of my past. And I guess God for some reason wanted me to be partnered with a man who was not able to live at home. There's no lesson here. I will die with a question for God about needing a family but always not having it because of other's decisions. I do know that a marriage vow is a vow and a promise is a promise. But a man is a man and they have their own paths. This society has been brutal on men, trying to break them down in every way. Television shows and commercials demean them, many visuals contrive to make them feel that they are not as smart as women. It's sad what it is doing to our families. I wanted a real man, I got one. He works hard. He's willing to work and do what it takes. So many don't these days.
I'll be here when he gets home, the rest of my life. What you've had to submit to will make you stronger. And the boys in your family have learned what a wife does for her husband. That's saying something. Blessings.